Setting the stage for open dialogue about estate planning: The role of family meetings

Warren Buffett made headlines recently when he advised all parents to give their children an opportunity to weigh in on their wills before they’re signed. 

In his November 2024 Berkshire Hathaway shareholder letter, he wrote:

“When your children are mature, have them read your will before you sign it. Be sure each child understands both the logic for your decisions and the responsibilities they will encounter upon your death. If they have any questions or suggestions, listen carefully and adopt those found sensible. You don’t want your children asking ‘Why?’ … when you are no longer able to respond.”

Buffett added that his three adult children have had questions and comments and he’s “often adopted their suggestions. There is nothing wrong with my having to defend my thoughts. My dad did the same with me.”

A great forum for just that sort of conversation, about estate planning and the future? The family meeting.

A family with five children considers guardianship

Conversations about estate planning are not reserved for the ultra-wealthy. Families with all levels of wealth can benefit from the conversation.

Consider the following case:

A married couple have five children, aged eight to 20. The eldest, on a visit home from college, asks their parents, “What will happen to the little kids if something happens to you both?” The parents realize that they named guardians more than a decade ago—when their oldest three hadn’t started kindergarten, and before their youngest were even born.

The talk led these parents to reconsider their choices and opened up a much broader conversation with their eldest three, aged 15, 18 and 20, about their life plans.

They also found themselves answering a lot of questions, as the older children grasped that they were already in (or nearing) legal adulthood. The older children had space for expressing clear views on potential guardians for the younger ones, should the need arise, and for sharing their intentions to help care for their siblings, should something unexpected occur. 

The discussion led to greater family engagement, reassurance and understanding.

While these unplanned conversations had a productive outcome, Buffett’s advice is an invaluable reminder because many families find it challenging to discuss money and mortality with their children.

The role of regular family meetings

Family meetings are an excellent way to initiate purposeful conversations about a wide variety of topics, including estate planning, financial matters and the intended use of family wealth. We recommend holding family meetings regularly.

The benefits of this practice abound. Regular family meetings can help you create strong bonds with each other, foster communication and collaboration and solidify family values. Family meetings are especially important to prepare younger family members for future roles within the family.

A family meeting might be used to:

• Share family history with younger family members, spouses and trusted advisors
• Allow family members to provide personal updates or share successes or other important information
• Educate family members about shared assets and investments and/or tax and estate planning
• Create a platform for engagement and learning
• Set expectations and encourage open dialogue, with ample time allotted for questions

The overarching goal for many families is to foster informed decision-making and stronger relationships through regular interaction.

Before: How can your family get started?

Hosting a successful family meeting requires thoughtful preparation. Here are two steps we recommend beforehand:

Clearly define the purpose

When you’re just getting started with family meetings, consider this for your first topic: “What is a family meeting?” The purpose would be sharing why family meetings are important and what you hope to achieve by meeting with the family in an organized and intentional way. 

Subsequent family meetings can be used to lay the groundwork for an eventual conversation about your estate plan. For example, you could hold one conversation on family values and another on how you see the role of wealth within your family. Opening the dialogue in this way shifts the focus from the family balance sheet or technical topics to bigger picture issues about wealth, purpose and values and will allow you to better assess your family’s readiness to dive deeper.

Regardless of the topic, it’s important to determine whether the purpose of the meeting is sharing information, learning and discussion, or making decisions. In most cases, we recommend getting into the habit of regular family meetings by starting with sharing information and having discussions. That allows you to establish a foundation of trust and mutual understanding before moving on to decision-making.

Identify the meeting’s participants and agenda

Some families limit participation to adult members of the immediate family, while others open the circle wider to include spouses and/or older children. Whoever you include, we recommend doing some pre-work: Family meetings are most successful when all participants are fully engaged. Seek input ahead of time from participants about their goals and expectations, and the topics they’d like to see discussed.

With input in hand from the group, it’s important to craft a clear and manageable agenda. Don’t try to do too much at once. Circulate the agenda ahead of time, along with any materials for review.

During the meeting

Once you’ve laid the groundwork, here are six top ideas for the meeting itself:

Start on a positive note

Whatever is on the agenda, the meeting’s overarching goal should be to foster collaboration and family cohesion. So, start by giving everyone an opportunity to share personal news, an update or a recent success. Another meeting opener: Have each family member share something that they appreciate about another member of the family, or something nice that one of them did for another.

Set ground rules

Family meetings should be governed by ground rules you’ve decided upon and that all participants have agreed to. Some common ground rules used in family meetings are:

• Be present, meaning be active and engaged; if you’re on Zoom, be on camera, and phones off
• No interruptions
• Everyone is given a chance to speak

Stay focused on the intended purpose

If you would like to hold a family meeting focused on estate and succession planning, we’ve mentioned starting the practice of meetings with other topics. Indeed, every meeting can be thought of as connecting up to a larger purpose, one not to lose sight of: your intent for continuing family cohesion.

Estate plans and succession planning offer an opportunity to reflect on life’s transitions and family members’ roles and responsibilities. We recommend taking these weighty topics one at a time, to start laying the foundation for talking about generational transitions—all the while, staying focused on your larger purpose. 

At one meeting, for example, you could explicitly focus on the future and your intent for continuing the family’s cohesiveness. At a later meeting, the discussion of estate plan specifics, and the family balance sheet, may build on the foundation you’ve laid.

Foster open dialogue 

The meeting host, or a non-family facilitator if you’ve chosen that route, should solicit input from all participants, ensuring everyone has a chance to speak and ask questions. When differences of opinion arise, the discussion leader should bring the conversation back to the core themes of family cooperation, collaboration and cohesion—whatever the topic at hand.